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It’s OK to Grieve

When my child “came out” to my husband and me, I was scared and confused – and completely at peace. You can read about that journey here.

One of the emotions I did not think about was grief!

I remember feeling the tightness in my chest which I equate with grief (and that’s a whole different post) one day and it confused me. Why was I grieving? No one died… did they?

I called one of my best friends that day to talk through it. When I asked her if it was right that I was grieving, she said absolutely.

What I discovered was that I was not grieving for my child (as I know many LGBTQ+ parents do) but I was grieving for what I THOUGHT was going to be my life with my daughter.

When my daughter was born, I had no idea what to do with little girl. I had 5 nephews at the time and was much more comfortable with them. I mean, I liked to get dressed up and put on make-up as much as the next person but a GIRL??

As this precious gift grew, I started to dream. Having my sister help with her make-up (cause it wasn’t gonna be me. LOL), buying dresses, and any other “girlie” things I could think of. I don’t know that I did it consciously but it was definitely there.

When my child came out as transgender, those dreams went up in smoke. My child does not identify with either gender; they are not using the name their Dad and I gave them at birth. Wow, no wonder I was grieving.

As much as I write this from a calm, rational perspective (or at least I try to), pockets of grief still come up. Questions will come up as I continue to learn and try to be empathetic with what they are going through.

I also have to acknowledge my own challenges and pain, as I don’t know that I fully have… or it will come in waves as grief does.

I am writing this for two major reasons:

Parents, it’s OK to grieve. Give yourself the space to do that. Let the fear, the anger, or whatever you are feeling out because it’s not good to keep it inside.

LGBTQ+ peeps, let your parents grieve. They are grieving for what they THOUGHT was going to happen – not grieving what you are (and if they are, I am sorry!)

You are allowed, parents.

Let those emotions flow so you can be the parent you are meant to be for the child who is fully who they are.


Published by Borealis Solutions

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